Yes, I watch The Bachelor and its adjacent shows. Why, you ask?
Because what is funnier than a large group of contestants saying stupid things and getting on each other nerves, all for the slim chance of potentially ending up the with the Bachelor or Bachelorette? It is comedy at its most entertaining.
So before delving into the cast of the 14th season of ABC’s The Bachelorette, let’s actually introduce this season’s star:
No Bachelor contestant has gone through the ringer like Becca did this past season. That gray-haired slice of Wonder Bread proposed to her in the season finale, only to dump her just weeks later. He then proposed to that blonde-haired slice of Wonder Bread on After the Final Rose JUST WEEKS AFTER BREAKING UP WITH BECCA! Thank goodness both are out of our lives.
This was probably the easiest choice for The Bachelorette in the history of the show. Becca has the clear backing of “Bachelor Nation,” including yours truly, who picked her to win last season. Most importantly, it seems like Becca is a rational and sane human being when it comes to interacting with people. In other words, she is not a slice of Wonder Bread.
So now to the fun part: making jokes about the 28 eligible bachelors! This season, however, instead of a list of questions and answers, ABC only put out a short biography about each contestant. It’s a bit disappointing because, as you’ll soon see, some of the bios get repetitive, which is not as fun for people such as myself who are attempting to separate the front-runners from the complete dopes.
There are a lot of men with either a business/finance background, an athletic background, or both. Of course, they had to throw in a few models as well. As for the racial makeup of the cast, the only thing I can really complain about is that the producers refuse to cast more than one Asian man or woman on a season. I did like how they highlighted the immigration status of some contestants, something that the show has often hidden until a future one-on-one date.
Enough talk, let’s make jokes and criticize people’s lives!
*NOTE: For the sake of space, I did not post much personal information below each name. Refer to the ABC’s cast bios linked to each contestants names. FYI I reference them a lot. Chris Harrison’s info comes from this video on The Bachelorette Facebook page and contestants’ last names come from this POPSUGAR article.*
NAME: ALEX TEMPLEMAN
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “I think he has a little bit of a Tom Brady thing going on…”
Shout out to Chris Harrison for clearly trolling Atlanta with the Tom Brady reference.
Anyway, the “self-proclaimed country music lover” thing raises some questions. For instance, being that Alex lives in Georgia, is he a bro-country loving Florida Georgia Line guy, or is he more of a Johnny Cash/Hank Williams classic country type of guy? Very important difference, and who knows, it could be a deal-breaker for Becca.
Also, the “taking trips to the beach with his boat” and “hitting the ski slopes out west” definitely gives off the impression that Alex is not doing too bad financially.
NAME: BLAKE HORSTMANN
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “Blake’s an interesting guy. He and Becca hit it off. They have a really good connection.”
Blake is one of the five men that Becca met on After the Final Rose. He was the guy that rode in on the horse and led with, “When you fall of the horse, you gotta get back up again.” Chris Harrison also mentioned that Blake will be riding a different animal when he meets Becca again on night one.
You can tell Blake is for equality based on the belief that “two people need to be independent in order to truly love each other,” so that’s a good start.
NAME: CHASE VERGASON
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “Chase is involved in a little drama on night one. I think the facial hair may have led you to know that he was going to be a part of some on night one. He just kinda looks like that kind of a character, doesn’t he?”
Sure, Chris Harrison. Whatever you say.
Chase also met Becca on After the Final Rose show and did a lot of shaking of Becca’s arms when they were holding hands. Hopefully, he doesn’t rip her arms off when he steps out of the limo.
Unfortunately, Chase played baseball at the University of South Carolina, a.k.a., the wrong SEC school in Columbia. Not a good sign if you ask me.
NAME: CHRIS RANDONE
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “Chris R. is also involved in a little drama.”
What does a “sales trainer” do? Does he train other salespeople? Also, what is the relationship between “sales trainer” and entrepreneurship?
But the standout factoid of Chris R.? “He comes from a family of successful entrepreneurs that retired in their 40s, and he’s determined to do the same!” In other words, Becca may have to commit to man who will be ready to sit on his lazy bum once the next decade passes.
NAME: CHRISTIAN [no last name b/c no social media]
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “Always like those soccer players.”
LOL! Okay, Chris Harrison. Yup. We totally believe you.
But in all seriousness, as a soccer fanatic myself, Christian is on my shortlist of people I will be rooting for this season.
NAME: CHRISTON STAPLES
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “Early on, you’re gonna know [Christon] as Chris S…. clearly, this man is not used to losing.”
Christon will be around for at least two or three episodes since Chris Harrison admitted production screwed up his name early on. As a Harlem Globetrotter-turned-professional dunker, I do hope there is a basketball group date for Christon to show off his talent. Here’s an insane video of “Chris” on TNT’s The Dunk King last year:
Also, take a moment to appreciate this sentence: “Now a professional dunker in LA, Christon hopes finding love with the Bachelorette will be a lay-up.” Not only is this a horrible pun, but laying the ball up literally defeats the purpose of Christon’s current occupation. Way to go, Bachelorette interns and/or producers who wrote these bios.
NAME: CLAY HARBOR
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “Clay’s a stud… Clay might be the most athletic guy we’ve ever had on the show… Clay actually plays in the NFL. This guy’s legit… Is he ready to give up his career… is he still gonna try to, you know, eek out the rest of that professional playing career? So that’s an interesting thing him and Becca have to figure out.”
So, Clay was a legit NFL player. Here are some of his highlights during his time with the Philadelphia Eagles:
For those wondering, Clay has not played since 2016 with the Detroit Lions. He spent this past season with the New Orleans Saints, but ended up on injured reserve a few weeks before Week 1.
Clay does not curse, which could be a problem since Becca literally says “damn” every other word. Expressing his disapproval to her for using that word would make for some great television.
NAME: COLTON UNDERWOOD
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “He’s got a couple of issues, maybe some stuff you’ve heard about some of the tabloids about his past, but Colton has another big story that he and Becca will deal with.”
Unlike Clay, Colton never played a down of football in the NFL. Besides, the tabloid stuff that Chris Harrison is referring to is way more interesting.
You may remember Colton as “that guy who asked out Olympic gold medal gymnast Aly Raisman in 2016 Yahoo Q&A session.” Much to my surprise, they actually dated for about a year before parting on good terms this past August. Apparently, there is another “big story” about Colton, so chances are he will be around for at least the first few episodes.
The thing that scares me about Colton is that he named his dog “Sniper.” I do not think I need to explain why that could sound scary to a lot of people. But other than that, he seems like a good guy.
NAME: CONNOR OBROCHTA
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “Pretty early on, gets involved in a little drama in the house… which you wouldn’t think of by looking at that smiley, sunny disposition of his.”
Again… whatever you say, Chris Harrison.
Connor has a very similar haircut to Lee from last season, and we all know what type of guy he was.
Also, having “the opportunity to play professional baseball for the Atlanta Braves” is a very kind of way of saying “not making it of the rookie-level of the minor leagues.”
NAME: DARIUS FEASTER
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “Good looking guy. You met him on After the Final Rose as well… made a pretty good first impression on Becca.”
Not really much to add here, other than I am curious to know which countries he has visited.
NAME: DAVID RAVITZ
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… *brace yourselves for this one* “Ummm… wow. Okay, so David, a.k.a. the Chicken Man. David is a really interesting guy… David arrives [on night one] in a chicken suit. I would love to tell you there’s a reason for that. I’m sure he came up with some clever reason, but there’s never a reason to show up in a chicken suit. EVER. Unless you’re working on the street corner for Chic-Fil-A, you’re not showing up in a chicken costume, and I think their whole thing is cows, so really, there’s never a reason in life to show up in a chicken costume, but he does. But he’s also involved in another moment, an incident on the show, that will go down in Bachelor history, and sadly for David, I can’t wait to talk to you guys about it.”
Wow. Where to begin…
I guess I will say that Chris Harrison gave off some serious “Whaboom” vibes when talking about David. For the record, I did not enjoy Whaboom, so this will be fun.
But more importantly, how can one be 25-years-old AND a venture capitalist? First off, where in the world did said capital come from? Based on some of his hobbies and that he enjoys “spending time with his family at their beach house,” David must have grown up filthy, stinking rich.
And it just gets worse. “He loves guacamole, but hates avocado.” HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE!?!?
Get this guy out of here. Hopefully, a night one elimination.
NAME: GARRETT YRIGOYEN
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “Good looking dude… great guy… sneaky good athlete… We always have some athletic dates and stuff like that, Garrett rises to the top… he just cares about Becca and he’s always that guy that walks into a situation and he’s just like, ‘What can I do to make you happy?’ So he’s always kind of disarming and puts Becca at ease.”
I mean, compared to that avocado-hating dope, Garrett seems like the perfect guy.
The Chris Farley impression seems a bit weird, but based on Chris Harrison’s comments, I think Garrett can go far.
NAME: GRANT VANDEVANTER
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “He’s got kind of a Matt Damon thing going on, do you guys see that?”
Nope. Not seeing it, Chris Harrison.
I literally have nothing to say about Grant.
NAME: JAKE [also no last name b/c no social media]
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “Other than looking like former professional golfer Mike Weir, Jake and Becca have a past. Now, they have different versions of this past.”
Seriously, Chris Harrison. We get it. You know what a lot of celebrities look like.
Whatever past Jake and Becca have will surely be brought up on night one. If any of it is along the lines of, “Remember when we used to date?” and Becca says, “No, we didn’t,” that interaction could go down as the funniest moment in Bachelorette history.
Jake does not look one who races motocross or bungee jumps, and I do not think I can handle him writing poetry and reading it to Becca. So for his sake, I hope he is off the show before he embarrasses himself.
But this is The Bachelorette, so of course he is going to embarrass himself, and of course I am going to laugh at him when that happens.
NAME: JASON TARTICK
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “He’s just that blue-collar guy that’s gonna come in there, do what’s right, be a good guy and try to sweep Becca off her feet… Becca and he have a really, really good relationship.”
I enjoy that Jason likes to belt out Disney songs, but I am curious about what his go-to Disney song is and if he will sing it to Becca on night one. I am also not sure how a “Sr. Corporate Banker” is a “blue-collar” occupation.
NAME: JEAN BLANC
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “He’s a colognoisseur, which means he loves cologne. I don’t know if any woman loves to hear that… he has like 250 types of cologne… *long pause*… so that’s Jean Blanc.”
I really hope Becca smells and assesses for the audience at home when she meets Jean Blanc for the first time. Based on her reaction, we will find out if he treats cologne like fine wine or wants to give people allergy attacks. I also hope we get a “Hi, I’m Jean Blanc…” intro at the beginning of the first episode so we can just watch him pack all of his cologne into one suitcase.
On paper, Jean Blanc is a very smart guy. Attended Duke, got a master’s degree in business administration, worked as an engineer in Memphis… he has had an interesting life, on top of moving to the U.S. from Haiti when he was two-years-old.
NAME: JOE AMABILE
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “Joe’s a good guy. He’s a grocery store owner. How are you not a good guy when your name is Joe, you’re from Chicago, and you’re a grocery store owner. Of course you’re a good guy.”
Well, Chris Harrison basically confirmed that Joe is going home on night one. I would also hate being described as “ripe and ready to be picked,” but I’m probably not as good of a guy as Joe, who probably gave the interns/producers a pass for that.
NAME: JOHN GRAHAM
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “Arguably, the most successful guy we’ve ever had on this show… this guy is legit.”
MY ASIAN BROTHER!
But of course, Chris Harrison’s description all but confirms that John will be going home on night one. One day, an Asian guy will get past the first night. One day…
Also, I would like to know Chris Harrison’s scale of success. For instance, is professional football player and probable millionaire Clay a more successful person than John? Not to mention, I am curious about John’s start-up company and where he does his software engineering job.
NAME: JORDAN KIMBALL
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “Oh Jordan… *laughs at Jordan’s picture*… He’s a pretty guy. Good-looking guy… Jordan will talk a lot about being a male model and how difficult it is to be a male model… Just think Ben Stiller, Zoolander. That’s what you’re gonna see this season. And I’ll just say this: you’re welcome, America. You are welcome.”
Okay, that is a very good sign in terms of entertainment value.
I think Jordan will end up being the guy that I laugh at the most for saying stupid things and potentially getting on people’s nerves. Any guy who talks about “how difficult it is to be a male model” is A) a douche, B) not-so-bright and C) entertaining for a show like The Bachelorette. I look forward to making fun of Jordan.
NAME: KAMIL NICALEK
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “Social media guy… handsome in his own right.”
LOL! “Social Media Participant,” “Social media guy,” and “handsome in his own right” are all just different ways of saying that Kamil is an Instagram model.
Kamil also has a fitness website where he offers physical training and diet plans ranging from $100 to $250. In other words, he also wants to retire in his 40s.
Also, there a lot more activities and various things that can get your hands dirty than a spider. After all, the best way to deal with a spider is to slap it with your bare hand, right?
NAME: LEO DOTTAVIO
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “*Long pause so viewers can marvel at Leo’s hair* Leo is a renaissance man… you’re probably thinking Fabio… I’ll just say this for Leo: don’t judge a book by it’s hair… First off, he’s a stuntman. All stuntmen are just a little bit crazy… you have to have a little bit of an edge. Leo has that edge, but a very well-read guy, very articulate man… the more you get to know Leo, the more you can only love Leo.”
Well, that description looks very promising. But more importantly, there are probably thousands of members of Bachelor Nation, including myself, who will be tuning in on Monday night anticipating a man putting his long hair into a “messy bun.”
NAME: LINCOLN ADIM
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “If you describe Lincoln in three words, other than the accent, you would say drama, drama, and drama. He’s always involved in a little drama… There’s some interesting things that you’re going to learn about Lincoln that I think you’ll enjoy.”
You might remember Lincoln as the first guy who met Becca on After the Final Rose and called Arie a “wanker.” That alone made me want to root for him this season.
That is, until I came across this very disturbing exclusive story from Life & Style Weekly. Here are two direct quotes from Reddit users:
“Lincoln used to s–t on the bathroom floor in his previous position because he thought toilets were unsanitary. He was known as the floor-s–tter and would build a mound of toilet paper and take a s–t on it… I kind of double took and couldn’t really understand what I was seeing. Either the next day or the day after that I walk in and he’s doing it again, and I’m like ‘You got to be kidding me.’ When I told my buddies they were like, ‘What?’ they didn’t believe me so I snapped a picture from when you walk in… just to kind of prove it to them — not knowing that the guy is going to be on a TV show two years later.”
“Apparently it was escalated to HR and everything, he wouldn’t clean up the toilet paper after s–tting on it, so the custodian staff had to clean it up.”
Now, I think we can all admit that this is absolutely disgusting, but this is also very private information that probably doesn’t deserve the time of an exclusive news story. People in certain parts in the world do not use toilets, so it is possible that when Lincoln moved to the U.S. as a teenager, he never changed his earlier bathroom setup. Who knows? What I do know is I am very uncomfortable and cringe at the thought of Becca knowing this information.
Please do not let this be one of the “interesting things” we learn about Lincoln.
NAME: MIKE RENNER
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “Not Leo hair, but good hair. Those aren’t extensions. That’s legit. That’s all Mike. *stares at Mike’s photo for an uncomfortable amount of time* If you watch any 80s surf movies, that’s Mike. Not Spicoli-esque, but pretty close… Mike shows up, night one, with a cutout, life-sized image of Arie. You’ll see what he does to it.”
So if you did not know, Mike is a football analyst over at Pro Football Focus and one can find him on Twitter @PFF_Mike tweeting out a bunch of interesting statistics on football. I should note that as a die-hard sports fan myself, I find that very interesting and enjoy people in Mike’s line of work. Most of Bachelor Nation, however, probably finds that profession and football stats useless and boring.
On a more impressive note, Mike’s participation on the show received coverage from popular sports outlets such as Bleacher Report and Sports Illustrated, and he even received a few mentions on Twitter from colleagues like The Ringer’s Rodger Sherman and CBS Sports’ Will Brinson. So Mike is actually a legit sports analyst.
Anyway, back to business… when Mike says he loves “festivals, horse races and state fairs,” he is basically saying “I love places with crowds, heat and not-clean bathrooms.” Hopefully, he has not crossed paths with Lincoln at these events.
But what does it for me is not just the bulldog, but the fact that Mike named him Riggins, which considering his profession, is clearly an ode to Friday Night Lights character Tim Riggins, who was my favorite character on the NBC show. TEXAS FOREVER!
So yes, I will be rooting for Mike as well this season.
NAME: NICK SPETSAS
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “Zest for life… ummm… which Becca enjoys.”
Yup. Night one elimination.
With that in mind, it helps that we do not have much information to separate Nick from the rest of the men. Unfortunately, the one factoid I will remember about him is his “signature tracksuits.” To use the words of Chris Harrison, there’s never a reason in life to show up anywhere in a signature tracksuit.
NAME: RICKEY JASPER
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “Very successful, does well…”
Another night one elimination.
NAME: RYAN PETERSON
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “I think he does have a real job, but we’re going to call him a banjoist… he’s a quirky dude. He’s a fun guy.”
Ryan was the banjo guy on After the Final Rose, so he’s the most likely out of all the men to get the Kendall treatment as this season’s “quirky” contestant. Whatever that means…
NAME: TRENT JESPERSEN
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “Night one, very interesting gift for Becca that kind of sets the tone of their relationship. I’ll let you decide for themselves.”
I am gonna guess that “very interesting” means weird, and when it comes to gifts on night one, it can’t much weirder than giving someone a tiny weiner. Still, Becca will probably be too weirded out to give him a rose on night one.
NAME: WILLS REID
CHRIS HARRISON SAYS… “Romantic guy. Makes a really good connection. He’s kind of that silent guy that flies under the radar this season with Becca.”
One more “I” in his first name, and Wills would commonly be mistaken as a Basketball Hall-of-Famer and New York Knicks legend.
Anyway, Wills looks great on paper, as “editorial designer” and Harry Potter fan make for a great combination.
So to recap… I will be rooting for Christian, John and Mike to start the season. With my luck, they will all get eliminated on night one, all but confirming that I would do awful on this show. As for my hometown picks and winner, I’ll probably post them on Twitter (@danny_shin131), where I will be live-tweeting each episode, but not tonight due to Warriors-Rockets Game 7.
NIGHT 1 ELIMINATION PREDICTIONS: CHASE, GRANT, JOE, JOHN, NICK, RICKEY, TRENT